Prayer: In good and bad

My Lord and God,
As you love us, I ask that I love those around me the same. I know my heart is not always in the best place, as right now a cloud of sorrow blankets the ray of joy that you have placed there. I ask that I may be able to love and show forgiveness and mercy as you have shown it to us.

I wish I could tell you that I’m a fine, but I’m not. I’m fighting thoughts of self-hate, and they are strong right now. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I never thought I could love as I do now, and for some reason, I hate that I do. It’s different this time. I wish I could see retribution as I did before. I wish I could just let go and move on. I wish I could hate as I used to. But I cannot. I cannot move myself to do it anymore. I prefer to love and to forgive, and to move on from what happens. That’s why I hate myself, because I want to feel one way, and I hate that I want that. I hate that I want the “old” instead of the new. I hate that I think it’d be better that. I hate and despise myself for thinking and feeling that way, and I need you so much right now to tell me that is not the case.

I ask for your strength and wisdom, my God. Let my heart shine as before, and let this cloud of sorrow be lifted. I wish not to be the man I once was, but the man that I’m becoming. I pray that my old demons finally be let go and I can move on from the past that has tried to come back to me. I pray that what I used to do no longer applies to my current life. I ask and pray that I can be the man that you are creating in me, and that I can finally be able to love him with all my heart, even if it means we are friends. I pray that this friendship that was forged with a love pure and true, a love that was planted by you in us, to be the ultimate source of love for us. I pray we can become stronger in all of this, and that no matter what, we will be the greatest of friends first as you have destined something for us that only you can see, and we need to wait for.

I pray that our hearts be for you first, and for each other last, as we are first the love of Christ to others around us. I pray that my past is longer my present, and no longer my future. I pray that you give us the love and support that we need to succeed. He is the one I love, and I and I pray that we continue to lift each other in love and support to your altar of mercy and grace. I pray that my heart be full of light once again, and that this shroud of sorrow be lifted and cast away. It has no place in a heart full of your love. It has no place within me. Not for this time.

May our hearts be pure, and may our love always shine. I pray that you keep us safe and out of harm and temptation. I pray that if we transgress we can seek yours, and each other’s, forgiveness, grace, and mercy, for it as you love us, despite our faults and trespasses, we will ove one another. May our hearts be like that of your servant, David, as he sought you, and knew he had a place despite his faults. May we be lifted always in love and compassion. May we always see your love and light in all that we encounter for all our lives.

In your Son’s holy name I pray these words,
Amen

Sonnet: Safety

I used to live safely in the confines
Of my heart, never needing anyone
To feel fine, but my lonely heart still pined
In silence for the man who had me won.
As the fair Rapunzel in her tower,
So was my heart in it's box with no key.
My past loves had left me bitter and sour,
With my heart an innocent casualty.
Then came love from such a far away place,
And my box was not opened, but broken
Into so a new love could fill the space
That was there all along but unspoken.
I know that it is not safe to be out,
But it's the risk I'll take without a doubt.

Safety

I used to live safely in the confines
Of my heart, never needing anyone
To feel fine, but my lonely heart still pined
In silence for the man who had me won.
As the fair Rapunzel in her tower,
So was my heart in it's box with no key.
My past loves had left me bitter and sour,
With my heart an innocent casualty.
Then came love from such a far away place,
And my box was not opened, but broken
Into so a new love could fill the space
That was there all along but unspoken.
I know that it is not safe to be out,
But it's the risk I'll take without a doubt.

Prayer: If I should...

If I should be destined to be single all my life, I ask that you give me the strength to be a man of virtue and integrity. I ask that I can remain abstinent and not engage in sexual pursuits with others or myself. I ask that I can still provide hope, faith, and love to those that still seek to have someone in their life, and to be a source of encouragement to them always. I ask that my life is dedicated to you in holy service, and that I may be a beacon of light to those around me.

Yet, if I should be destined to be partnered, then I pray that we both be strong men of virtue and integrity. I ask that we seek you in our lives, regardless of our faith or religion. I ask that we can respect each other. I ask that he is protected and guarded from harm. I pray that we will be able to speak to each other in both good and bad times. I pray that we're trusting of each other if distance keeps us apart. I pray that we are first and foremost your servants, and that we can always serve a greater purpose for you.

I pray that this, my third and final incarnation of love, is given wholly and rightly to him:
My Beloved
My Love
My Husband
My One and Only
My Dear
My Friend
My Lover

Keep me sexually pure so that he can have all my heart, body, soul, and spirit. Yet, if either of us should give to temptation, then allow us to forgive one another, and that we can still be together. Let him know I love him, and that I wait for him. Let him know he already has my heart, and that I am his.

I pray this and more, with my spirit speaking the words I cannot say.

Amen

Sonnet: I Want To Fall

I want to fall in love with you, my dear,
But I am so scared of what could happen.
I know I have nothing at all to fear
As you will be there again and again.
I know we are just friends with a pure love
That has been sent from the heavens with care.
I know we may hit the ceiling above
And see each other as only friends would dare.
But, I can't be afraid of what's untold.
I can't shy away from the unspoken
Future and it's uncertainties so bold.
I must stand or our love will be broken.
I want to say that my heart is taken
By you, and leave behind fear forsaken.

Sonnet: It's Best

I wish there could be something there beyond
Simple fraternal love. I wish our words
Were deeper in feeling, making a bond
That could only be broken by the Lord.
I wish there existed not great romance
So it'd be easier to know we're friends.
I wish love did not have this song and dance
So I could know when one begins and ends.
I see it best to be two and not one
Heart, body, soul. We'd be better always
When I can hear your joy shine as the sun
Instead of something more all of our days.
Though my wish will just be a fantasy,
Our friendship's a lovely reality.

Sonnet: Facade

Breaking down the walls, tearing up the masques,
The myst'ry must die; the enigma leave.
To be as the great phoenix is my task:
Reborn and revived, finally relieved.
Love is my armor; the truth is my sword;
My heart's wounds are ready to bleed again.
Tears will fall and smiles will flash with my words,
But fear will not have in me a domain.
The facade's ending; all you'll see is me
Out from hiding, I'll show you who I am.
I'm becoming the man I want to be,
And in this journey, will you take my hand?
Free from being fake, I'm ready to deal
With the path ahead being me and real.

Sonnet: I HATE YOU!!!

I was fine being miserable and
Not wanting anything to do with love.
I was fine as the unhappy and scorned
Bitch that wallowed in my self-misery.
I was good having no one holding my hand
Walking in the rain falling from above.
My fictitious smile hid the fact I mourned
The loss of love and built walls of myst'ry.
Then you showed up, the gentle, smiling brand
Of guy that was sent from Heaven above.
You broke my walls, and instead, did adorn
It with hope and faith that had been reborn.
I hate you for interrupting my life,
But I love you more for this love so rife.

Sonnet: Would You?

Would take me for who I am, my friend,
Or would it be better to keep the masque?
Could I drop the facade and not pretend
To be someone that's not e'en in my past?
Would it be okay that I am more femme
Than other gay men, and not butch or "straight"?
Is it fine that I am not toned like them,
But will always be fat and overweight?
Can you see I'll ne'er be such a cutie,
Only a pathetic Average Joe?
Would you take me as I am with duty,
Or would pity be why you'd take me so?
This is my fear; why I choose singleness.
Would you have me, e'en with my weaknesses?

Sonnet: Reborn

Dedicated to a friend who showed me there can still be hope. :)

You renewed my hope that love does exist,
Though I still doubt that it exists for me.
You showed me that hope will always persist,
E'en when I think that it's gone completely.
You made my heart like the phoenix, reborn
From the ashes of despair and sadness.
Buried deep inside and allowed to mourn,
You came and gave it life, better than best.
Reborn am I, with love that's taken root
In a void needing to be filled. The plant
Is fed with both my loves, bearing sweet fruit
That I will share with you if you so grant.
My heart has been renewed, all thanks to you.
You can have my heart if God wills it true.

Losing Hope

When I see those who are a little bitter because of a lack of love, my first instinct is not to tell them, "Don't fret. Chin up. Don't lose hope." Rather it's, "Don't become like me."

It's hard to admit that in love, I've lost all hope, but it has happened. I saw that almost everyone I pursued I began to be just their friend. I never was more than that. I've been called a sweetheart, nice, kind, and even an angel. It only solidified the friendship we already had and shared. It never made it into something more.

In the end, I just accepted that I could not be loved to that extent, both because those that I felt that way for could not reciprocate, and the very few (and I do mean the very few) that felt that for me I could not feel the same. Romantic love was not meant for me. I realized that I was a really great friend, but I'd never be a boyfriend, a husband, and much less, a lover. I'd be a "great friend."

I just began accepting that, and now, I can't see myself partnered. Hope has died. It is gone. I'm finally able to come to terms with it, but even then, I fear for those who feel the same way. Losing hope can be dangerous, especially if there is not something else to hold on to. I was fortunate that I had hope for something better in my life. If it wasn't for that, depression and desperation would've set in.

I always hope that others can find what they are seeking, but never for them to become like me. It is a hard path, and it is something that I have taken years to finally be at peace with. It has become a part of my journey, and even then, it's taken with caution.

Be blessed, friends.

Sonnet: I'll hold you

I'll hold you in my arms, and ne'er let go.
Let us be as hands praying to the Lord
In Heav'n above, clasped together with a
Faith that can only be shared between us.
I'm the lonely owl, and you, the sparrow,
For the night is mine, and the morn is yours.
Unlike lovers we are with love so great
That together, we become dawn and dusk.
Today's ending; I smile for the morrow,
For you whisper three simple, but true words
In my ear. You chose me with love, not fate,
And now we are bound with joy, hope, and trust.
I'm glad you became my lover and friend;
Two have become one 'til the very end.

What once was (poem)

I've thought of the when I said goodbye
To the love I had for you, and seeing that
It was the best thing to do for me and you.

I know time will heal the wound that remains
On my heart, and the scar will show what you
Meant to me in the years past with clarity.

You were the one I called Beloved, the man
I waited to have with every once of my being,
The one I gave my heart to without knowing.

Then, in a sudden twist of fate, I needed to say
Goodbye to the hopes and dreams I had for us.
I needed to let go of what I held on to for years.

Now, your name is given to another, a friend
Whom I love so dearly, but will only be a friend
Instead of the One I waited for as I've for you.

I wish I could give you my heart again, but it
Would be to no avail. The fairy tale ended
As it began, with me alone, and you a vapor.

Poem Post: Burden

Burden

What do we see when we gaze upon a mirror?

The desires of a man hidden deep in his eyes.

What do we see when we look into his soul?

His greatest wishes covered with little lies.

His heart is heavy and his spirit burdened

With a weight that is his alone to carry.

He refuses to give up, and thus presses on

To a place that is more joyous and merry.

His eyes are tired and want to rest and sleep

From all the things he has wanted to see.

He looks up to the stars, and with a gasp,

He wonders who else sees them besides he.

He lies his head upon the grass, dreaming

Of a time when he’ll finally be laid to rest.

As he closes his eyes, he only breaks a smile,

Knowing that today’s not close to the best.

----Manny Reyes

POEM: Goodbye

My heart was torn saying goodbye,

But I know it was for the best.

We could not wait for a day

That was never meant to be.

You were but a dream with

My hopes and desires.

The only thought that'll

Ne'er come to fruition.

I wished for the day when we

Would be together, holding

On a hope that I waited

To be always fulfilled.

Then, I saw that you were

Only my dream, a thought

That only lived inside

Of my fragile heart.

My call is different from

What I thought it would be.

I see now that there could

Never be a you and me.

So I bid you goodbye and

Farewell, my only Beloved

Wishing you the best

In the arms of another.

----Manny Reyes

Love, Beauty, and Companionship

An online friend posited this: if you could only choose between love, beauty, and companionship, which two would you want in a relationship? This was my response.

I have learned that the ability to love is very strong, but we tend to figure out how to categorize love in ways that sometimes, at least for me, do not make sense.

I see in my life the ability to love blindly without regard to seeing if something more can be created from that love. If I can interact with you, talk to you, or even just say hi, the potential to love you is there. For me, this is how one shows they can love as Christ loves us (to an extent). For me, love, in all it's forms that we have placed it in, is still love. However, what differentiates love from one person to the next is the importance that we place on the love for that person. That is different, and thus, we treat them accordingly.

So going with that, I find it very hard not to have companionship without love. Since the inherent feeling of wanting someone in your life is love, it is impossible to divorce the concept of companionship from love. You cannot have one without the other.

The difference, however, that I place is that one need not be in a committed relationship to have companionship. For me, companionship is essentially allowing one or more people that you love deeply to be able to witness your life unfold. They may experience all or parts of it, depending on how close you are to them. I would love to have someone that sees my life to be my partner, but that is not necessary. Rather, I prefer to just have companions in my life. I prefer to have many people witness how I am growing and developing as a human being and a child of God, and vice versa. If in the process, something else develops, then that is fine, but that is not the goal.

Now as for beauty, it is something that I don't care about at all. Physical attraction is usually the initial reason many go pursue a person. I don't. If the first reaction I have is, "That guy is is [insert physical description here]," then I treat him as someone nice to look at, but nothing more. If the first reaction is "That guy is [insert intellectual description here]," then he has my attention. The physical does not happen until much later, and that is usually after a strong mental and emotional connection has been made.

So, for me, companionship and love are essential. Beauty is not.

What learned in my night of debauchery

Well it wasn't really debauchery, but it did get your attention, didn't it?

So a very quick recap of yesterday's happenings:
Went to see a friend, and a few of her friends, at a restaurant, and from there went to a couple of gay bars and a gay club. Danced a little, drank a little, and then went to get a bite, and go home.

So far, not really much to talk about. I met really great guys, I loved being with my friend (even if she doesn't have a penis), and I learned a lot about myself. Usually, one does not learn much in a club or a bar, but I take life to be a classroom, and thus, every opportunity presented to us is a time to learn. Yesterday was no different.

So what were the lessons I learned yesterday? Simple (and in completely random order):

1. A man's body truly does not attract me. Granted, it's nice to look at, but a body is a body is a body. Nice bodies in the gay world is like chocolate in a Willy Wonka factory: it's understood to be there. This was really cemented at the club, where they had some male dancers in nothing but shoes, underwear, and a smile. One of them was really cute, and had really nice eyes. But what I loved most were his shoes. Nice and streamlined...they looked like Pumas, but I'm not too sure.
   
   "Wait...how was his body. Did he have a nice butt? How about his package? What about his pecs?" There were there, nicely hidden by his black bikini, but they were not the focus for me. I mean, in a gay club, there is plenty of eye candy to passed around and to admire, but there needs to be something more to grab my attention. Good thing they had a big screen so I could pay attention to something more interesting.
   
2. Between a nice bar and a club, the bar wins. Don't get me wrong. The club is a nice environment if your main purpose is to dance and enjoy yourself that way, but a bar, you can talk. The music is there as a filler to the silence no one wants to hear. It's a time to actually enjoy with friends without the constant blaring of music and the yelling in one's ear an inch away from you so that you have the possibility of being heard. At least in a bar, you can actually talk at a normal volume and be understood.
   
   Now between a bad bar and a club, home wins.
   
3. Friends and people you can trust always make it worthwhile. No matter where I am, as long as I have some friends, and people I trust, I have no problems making the most of it. It's the company I enjoy with them. They're just awesome.
   
4. As long as I live in El Paso, I'm remaining single. I'm seeing that they gay scene in El Paso encompasses almost everyone I know/might know, and unfortunately, that includes bars and clubs. Considering I don't drink much, and I dislike the clubs, finding a Mr. Right for Me in the city is not looking bright. Don't get me wrong: I know there are plenty of people who have found their better half in bars and clubs, but quite frankly, I don't like the pickings in a club. The environment is exceptionally sexual. Don't believe me. Check out the dance floor.
   
   Now a bar may have a better chance, if the guy doesn't drink too much. I like conversation, and nothing gets my blood and juices flowing better than a highly intellectual conversation. It's the flame needed to get my fire burning, so to speak. Yet, too many drinks and you may feel like you're spewing Shakespeare, but all I'm getting is Larry the Cable Guy.
   
5. I find a lot of boys, but rarely a man. As someone nicely put it: "A man is handsome & interesting, a boy is cute and fun." There are more of the latter than the former. Unfortunately, I don't like boys. If I did, I'd get one.

Like I said, there is a lot of lessons one can learn in a short period. For me, these were very important. In time, I know I learn more from my times of "debauchery."

Labels...are they really necessary?

I've spent most of my life growing up with a label or two. As a kid, it usually was "Mexican" or "Hispanic." Those labels suited me, as I see myself as part of that community. Growing up, I prefer the labels "Latino" or "Chicano" as it was more specific to who I was an individual. I know that some labels we cannot escape, such as those for gender, race, and ethnicity. However, some labels really bother me.

One of them is my religion and faith. I was born in to a Christian family, raised a Christian, and continue to be one. However, because my denomination is changing from Non-denominational to Catholic, many see me as no longer being a Christian. How is that possible? Am I now a pariah that ceases to exist because I'm now affiliating myself with a denomination that some see as the whore of revelation (yes, I used be one them)? Or is that many say that I "worship" Mary and the saints that make me less of a follower of God?

For many to be a Christian is to follow Christ, believe that he rose from the dead, and is our saviour eternal. I have those covered. So what makes me different than others? Nothing. The problem is that we want to see differences where there are none, and as such, we think that by making a certain exclusive to a few, we will achieve that. I disagree. For me, saying that I am Christian is one thing, and saying that I am Catholic is another. "Christian" is a label of my faith, as it states I am a follower of Christ (btw, I prefer saying that over Christian, but that is another post). My religion, or denomination, is Catholic. I have fallen in love with the Church, and I have seen that it feels right with my soul and spirit. So, as a Christian, I choose to be Catholic. Both labels fit, but neither is exclusive of the other.

Now the other label deals more with my sexuality. Yes, I am gay. Yes, I like men. But the question remains: am I fem or butch (or masc.)? Now I understand the gay communities affinity for labels. I mean, we all create them one way or the other. Many of us wear them with pride, and show it off in our cars/notebooks/computers or any other place we can display who we are. I have known twinks, bears, jocks, st8 acting, brothers, thugs, and the list goes on and on. I mean, we all want to fit in somewhere, but the main issue is the first two labels we all have to deal with one way or another: fem or butch?

I tend to be between a rock and a hard place with this mainly because I do not see myself in either category. Let's see some examples of what makes me one or the other, shall we?


Fem
I paint my nails. I wouldn't mind doing drag. I LOVE makeup. I have no problem calling myself a queen, miss,  girl, or any other feminine label. I carry a man bag (which I sorely need another). I love to shop. I like fashion.
Butch/Masculine
I've no problems working on my car when and if I can. I have no problems hiking, going on trails, and getting dirty. I love to sweat. I'm not too fond of the Oscars, Grammy's, or any other award show for that matter.

Looking at the lists, I can be pretty much either one. It's no big deal, but when talking to guys, it gets pretty interesting as they want to place you in one category or the other. I don't like that at all. I want them to see me for who I am, not the label I best fit. If that is impossible, then they need to move on.

So, for some, labels tend to be a defining moment in their lives. For mine, they are nice to have (some of them) but for the most part, I want to see as one label, and only one label: "Hi. I'm Manny." :)

*Blink, Blink, Yawn*

Hello and welcome!

This is something that I decided to do mainly for one reason and one reason alone: I need to talk about stuff.

As a person that has a lot of opinions about stuff, and with a twitter account meets most of my needs, I needed somewhere that I could express myself wholly and truly. I am a man that has many ideas, and as such, needs a productive outlet for all my ramblings. :)

So for the most part, I will be covering anything that I think is good to cover, may it be politics, education, relationships, sex, and/or religion. From time to time, you might see a bit of my poetry, but that is still in debate.

Hope you love the adventure as much as I do!
Love ya and God Bless :)