30 September 2010

Prayer: In good and bad

My Lord and God,
As you love us, I ask that I love those around me the same. I know my heart is not always in the best place, as right now a cloud of sorrow blankets the ray of joy that you have placed there. I ask that I may be able to love and show forgiveness and mercy as you have shown it to us.

I wish I could tell you that I’m a fine, but I’m not. I’m fighting thoughts of self-hate, and they are strong right now. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I never thought I could love as I do now, and for some reason, I hate that I do. It’s different this time. I wish I could see retribution as I did before. I wish I could just let go and move on. I wish I could hate as I used to. But I cannot. I cannot move myself to do it anymore. I prefer to love and to forgive, and to move on from what happens. That’s why I hate myself, because I want to feel one way, and I hate that I want that. I hate that I want the “old” instead of the new. I hate that I think it’d be better that. I hate and despise myself for thinking and feeling that way, and I need you so much right now to tell me that is not the case.

I ask for your strength and wisdom, my God. Let my heart shine as before, and let this cloud of sorrow be lifted. I wish not to be the man I once was, but the man that I’m becoming. I pray that my old demons finally be let go and I can move on from the past that has tried to come back to me. I pray that what I used to do no longer applies to my current life. I ask and pray that I can be the man that you are creating in me, and that I can finally be able to love him with all my heart, even if it means we are friends. I pray that this friendship that was forged with a love pure and true, a love that was planted by you in us, to be the ultimate source of love for us. I pray we can become stronger in all of this, and that no matter what, we will be the greatest of friends first as you have destined something for us that only you can see, and we need to wait for.

I pray that our hearts be for you first, and for each other last, as we are first the love of Christ to others around us. I pray that my past is longer my present, and no longer my future. I pray that you give us the love and support that we need to succeed. He is the one I love, and I and I pray that we continue to lift each other in love and support to your altar of mercy and grace. I pray that my heart be full of light once again, and that this shroud of sorrow be lifted and cast away. It has no place in a heart full of your love. It has no place within me. Not for this time.

May our hearts be pure, and may our love always shine. I pray that you keep us safe and out of harm and temptation. I pray that if we transgress we can seek yours, and each other’s, forgiveness, grace, and mercy, for it as you love us, despite our faults and trespasses, we will ove one another. May our hearts be like that of your servant, David, as he sought you, and knew he had a place despite his faults. May we be lifted always in love and compassion. May we always see your love and light in all that we encounter for all our lives.

In your Son’s holy name I pray these words,

26 September 2010

Sonnet: Safety

I used to live safely in the confines
Of my heart, never needing anyone
To feel fine, but my lonely heart still pined
In silence for the man who had me won.
As the fair Rapunzel in her tower,
So was my heart in it's box with no key.
My past loves had left me bitter and sour,
With my heart an innocent casualty.
Then came love from such a far away place,
And my box was not opened, but broken
Into so a new love could fill the space
That was there all along but unspoken.
I know that it is not safe to be out,
But it's the risk I'll take without a doubt.


I used to live safely in the confines
Of my heart, never needing anyone
To feel fine, but my lonely heart still pined
In silence for the man who had me won.
As the fair Rapunzel in her tower,
So was my heart in it's box with no key.
My past loves had left me bitter and sour,
With my heart an innocent casualty.
Then came love from such a far away place,
And my box was not opened, but broken
Into so a new love could fill the space
That was there all along but unspoken.
I know that it is not safe to be out,
But it's the risk I'll take without a doubt.

19 September 2010

Prayer: If I should...

If I should be destined to be single all my life, I ask that you give me the strength to be a man of virtue and integrity. I ask that I can remain abstinent and not engage in sexual pursuits with others or myself. I ask that I can still provide hope, faith, and love to those that still seek to have someone in their life, and to be a source of encouragement to them always. I ask that my life is dedicated to you in holy service, and that I may be a beacon of light to those around me.

Yet, if I should be destined to be partnered, then I pray that we both be strong men of virtue and integrity. I ask that we seek you in our lives, regardless of our faith or religion. I ask that we can respect each other. I ask that he is protected and guarded from harm. I pray that we will be able to speak to each other in both good and bad times. I pray that we're trusting of each other if distance keeps us apart. I pray that we are first and foremost your servants, and that we can always serve a greater purpose for you.

I pray that this, my third and final incarnation of love, is given wholly and rightly to him:
My Beloved
My Love
My Husband
My One and Only
My Dear
My Friend
My Lover

Keep me sexually pure so that he can have all my heart, body, soul, and spirit. Yet, if either of us should give to temptation, then allow us to forgive one another, and that we can still be together. Let him know I love him, and that I wait for him. Let him know he already has my heart, and that I am his.

I pray this and more, with my spirit speaking the words I cannot say.


14 September 2010

Sonnet: I Want To Fall

I want to fall in love with you, my dear,
But I am so scared of what could happen.
I know I have nothing at all to fear
As you will be there again and again.
I know we are just friends with a pure love
That has been sent from the heavens with care.
I know we may hit the ceiling above
And see each other as only friends would dare.
But, I can't be afraid of what's untold.
I can't shy away from the unspoken
Future and it's uncertainties so bold.
I must stand or our love will be broken.
I want to say that my heart is taken
By you, and leave behind fear forsaken.

12 September 2010

Sonnet: It's Best

I wish there could be something there beyond
Simple fraternal love. I wish our words
Were deeper in feeling, making a bond
That could only be broken by the Lord.
I wish there existed not great romance
So it'd be easier to know we're friends.
I wish love did not have this song and dance
So I could know when one begins and ends.
I see it best to be two and not one
Heart, body, soul. We'd be better always
When I can hear your joy shine as the sun
Instead of something more all of our days.
Though my wish will just be a fantasy,
Our friendship's a lovely reality.

10 September 2010

Sonnet: Facade

Breaking down the walls, tearing up the masques,
The myst'ry must die; the enigma leave.
To be as the great phoenix is my task:
Reborn and revived, finally relieved.
Love is my armor; the truth is my sword;
My heart's wounds are ready to bleed again.
Tears will fall and smiles will flash with my words,
But fear will not have in me a domain.
The facade's ending; all you'll see is me
Out from hiding, I'll show you who I am.
I'm becoming the man I want to be,
And in this journey, will you take my hand?
Free from being fake, I'm ready to deal
With the path ahead being me and real.

09 September 2010

Sonnet: I HATE YOU!!!

I was fine being miserable and
Not wanting anything to do with love.
I was fine as the unhappy and scorned
Bitch that wallowed in my self-misery.
I was good having no one holding my hand
Walking in the rain falling from above.
My fictitious smile hid the fact I mourned
The loss of love and built walls of myst'ry.
Then you showed up, the gentle, smiling brand
Of guy that was sent from Heaven above.
You broke my walls, and instead, did adorn
It with hope and faith that had been reborn.
I hate you for interrupting my life,
But I love you more for this love so rife.

08 September 2010

Sonnet: Would You?

Would take me for who I am, my friend,
Or would it be better to keep the masque?
Could I drop the facade and not pretend
To be someone that's not e'en in my past?
Would it be okay that I am more femme
Than other gay men, and not butch or "straight"?
Is it fine that I am not toned like them,
But will always be fat and overweight?
Can you see I'll ne'er be such a cutie,
Only a pathetic Average Joe?
Would you take me as I am with duty,
Or would pity be why you'd take me so?
This is my fear; why I choose singleness.
Would you have me, e'en with my weaknesses?

07 September 2010

Sonnet: Reborn

Dedicated to a friend who showed me there can still be hope. :)

You renewed my hope that love does exist,
Though I still doubt that it exists for me.
You showed me that hope will always persist,
E'en when I think that it's gone completely.
You made my heart like the phoenix, reborn
From the ashes of despair and sadness.
Buried deep inside and allowed to mourn,
You came and gave it life, better than best.
Reborn am I, with love that's taken root
In a void needing to be filled. The plant
Is fed with both my loves, bearing sweet fruit
That I will share with you if you so grant.
My heart has been renewed, all thanks to you.
You can have my heart if God wills it true.

06 September 2010

Losing Hope

When I see those who are a little bitter because of a lack of love, my first instinct is not to tell them, "Don't fret. Chin up. Don't lose hope." Rather it's, "Don't become like me."

It's hard to admit that in love, I've lost all hope, but it has happened. I saw that almost everyone I pursued I began to be just their friend. I never was more than that. I've been called a sweetheart, nice, kind, and even an angel. It only solidified the friendship we already had and shared. It never made it into something more.

In the end, I just accepted that I could not be loved to that extent, both because those that I felt that way for could not reciprocate, and the very few (and I do mean the very few) that felt that for me I could not feel the same. Romantic love was not meant for me. I realized that I was a really great friend, but I'd never be a boyfriend, a husband, and much less, a lover. I'd be a "great friend."

I just began accepting that, and now, I can't see myself partnered. Hope has died. It is gone. I'm finally able to come to terms with it, but even then, I fear for those who feel the same way. Losing hope can be dangerous, especially if there is not something else to hold on to. I was fortunate that I had hope for something better in my life. If it wasn't for that, depression and desperation would've set in.

I always hope that others can find what they are seeking, but never for them to become like me. It is a hard path, and it is something that I have taken years to finally be at peace with. It has become a part of my journey, and even then, it's taken with caution.

Be blessed, friends.

05 September 2010

Sonnet: I'll hold you

I'll hold you in my arms, and ne'er let go.
Let us be as hands praying to the Lord
In Heav'n above, clasped together with a
Faith that can only be shared between us.
I'm the lonely owl, and you, the sparrow,
For the night is mine, and the morn is yours.
Unlike lovers we are with love so great
That together, we become dawn and dusk.
Today's ending; I smile for the morrow,
For you whisper three simple, but true words
In my ear. You chose me with love, not fate,
And now we are bound with joy, hope, and trust.
I'm glad you became my lover and friend;
Two have become one 'til the very end.